The TallPole, and its Revolutionary Implications for Modern Defense
Patent pending.
So, okay, stick with me here. What is the most dangerous weapon? Like, modern day, I’m talking about. You think it’s guns? No. Do you think it’s— Look it’s Nukes okay, that’s the answer. Nukes and missiles and bombs and toasters dropped from orbit. It’s the sky, man. Because if you want to stop a guy with a gun, then you build a wall. But if you want to stop a toaster, what are you gonna do? Build a ceiling? A ceiling which is gonna fall and crush you to death?
Gravity is great and all, but it also means that the best place to be during wartime is way, way up high. It means you can hit other people, but they can’t hit you. Neener Neener. Now, I’ve been researching a way to turn off gravity for a while now, and I just don’t think it’s gonna happen. Which means we have to find some way to fight back against this unfair advantage, even with gravity in place.
Enter… The TallPole.
That’s right, the future is here today, and it’s really, really tall. The TallPole is all sorts of useful, but its biggest and best feature is that it totally nullifies all gravity based combat. What’s that? Someone wants to carpet bomb the place? Climb up the TallPole and throw rocks at ‘em. That’ll teach ‘em to fly jets in a TallPole city.
‘But wait,’ I hear you say, ‘What if they decide to fly their jets outside of rock-throwing range? Or just skip the jets altogether and fire missiles at us?’ That’s a good question. And I’ve got a good answer.
Enter… The PowerHand.
No city’s TallPole-based defense is complete without the long, grasping reach of a modern day PowerHand. Toasters will be swatted, missiles will be hot-potatoed, jets will be course corrected, and yes, entire armies will be flipped off. The PowerHand extends the reach of any TallPole to levels previously thought to be impossible.
With these two simple inventions, the face of modern warfare as we know it would completely change. Surveillance satellites are rendered ineffectual, as the PowerHand conveniently covers up any sensitive military secrets. Nukes now become play toys for the TallPole GuardInCharge, before being harmlessly tossed into the deepening hole of radioactive death a few miles outside the city. Why, we might not have any need for war at all, as people for miles around are cheered by a wave hello, followed by a lovely PowerHand thumbs up!
Unlike those cumbersome ceilings which crush people to death when bombed from orbit, the TallPole is a highly efficient structure. If it falls over, just push it right back up again, no problem at all! As I’m sure you can tell, the TallPole is slender by design, to maximize the defensive utility it provides to any city, while minimizing on cost. This also minimizes the damage done to the city, if your TallPole ever takes a tumble. Not that that’s likely, since the TallPole is very skinny, and I’m told that the high wind speeds present at that altitude would wibble and wobble the TallPole so fiercely as to make it practically impossible to hit!
Because of this wibbling and wobbling, I’d recommend that any TallPole GuardInCharge be well trained in bull-riding. Once they are able to competently ride a bull for the length of a full eight hour workday, strap them on top of the TallPole, give them a PowerHand, and watch, as the dawn of a new era flails around, screaming their joy towards a grateful public beneath.
Yep, the TallPole really does it all. Just like the tall flappy inflatable guys they put in front of car dealerships, it’ll make people stop and stare at your city, often for hours at a time. A competent GuardInCharge can help the police during times of peace, picking up purse-snatchers and plopping them directly into the courthouse. Why, with an extensive network of TallPoles, transportation and delivery services become a simple, speedy game of catch! The uses of a TallPole truly are endless, as I’m sure you can tell.
But sadly, despite all of its advantages, there isn’t a single city in America with a functional TallPole, present day. This is a travesty, but it’s one which we can correct. The time has come! Let us take to the streets with very tall picket signs! Let us write to our senators using 8.5” by 14” paper! Call upon your local basketball league for support! The TallPole revolution is nigh! The Tallpole revolution is high! The TallPole revolution will touch the sky! With your help, we can build a better tomorrow, so let’s do thi—!
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Ah, sorry. Tripped and fell down.