Before you understand the trouble with Thomas, you need to understand a vital and important fact of his life. Thomas is a nerd. It is important to establish this fact up front, because the mere fact that Thomas is a nerd significantly changes our perspective on what his troubles are, how they happened to arise, and most importantly, what can be done to fix them.
Thomas, like many other young men in this day and age, has romantic troubles. He does not interact with women, and when he does, he doesn’t take them out on dates, and when he does, he doesn’t sweep them off their feet. There are other things which Thomas doesn’t do with women, but let’s try to keep things within the realm of polite society. Thomas is a nerd, and his romantic endeavors fall quite reliably short of where he wants his romantic endeavors to land. That’s the trouble.
Thomas is not unusual for a nerd. In fact, his particular brand of romantic struggle is so generally common among other young men who are also nerds as to become a sort of cliche in its own right. If we lived in a reasonable society, we would see the plight of Thomas, give him a pat on the back, and hand him a three hundred thousand word treatise; inset with all the likely causes of his troubles, and all the ways he might manage to fix them. Thomas would have the full thing memorized by the weekend.
We do not have this treatise. The most likely reason we lack such a compendium is that Thomas is the exact type of person who would write such a thing, and he has never kissed a girl. What we have instead is a far larger, less organized body of romance knowledge. It is written by a wide variety of people, but dominated by two types. Let’s call them, the Winner and the Statistician. Both offer advice to Thomas which, more frequently than it ought, serves to actively hinder Thomas’s romantic development. Which is a shame, because Thomas is a very good listener, and usually holds at least one of these people in high esteem.
The Winner is a more straightforward case, so we’ll start with him. The defining trait of the Winner is his complete, overwhelming success in the world of romance. While Thomas struggles to go on a singular date, the Winner has dated hundreds of women, frequently managing to sweep them off their feet. Thomas sees this massive gap in success, and tries to remold himself in the shape of the Winner, in an attempt to enjoy a similar level of romantic victory.
Two main issues arise with the Winner, both based around a fundamental disconnect between teacher and pupil. For starters, there is such a thing as too much experience. Remember, Thomas is a complete novice in the world of romance. He isn’t struggling with the later, advanced stages of how to woo a lady, his troubles all lie at the base of the ladder. In much the same way that a chess grandmaster wouldn’t think to teach the basic movement options of each chess piece, Winners rarely think to teach Thomas how to approach women, or carry a basic conversation, or maintain a generally healthy social network. Sometimes this is because they never had to actively learn these skills themselves, being of an outgoing disposition. Sometimes they mastered these skills years ago, and started focusing on other things. By now, the approach is automatic, conversation flows smoothly, and expanding and maintaining a broad group of aquaintances is second nature. If Thomas ever fails to accomplish these rote basics of dating, he is usually met with a bewildered look and told that he is an irredeemable loser. He should just do it. It’s so easy.
Which leads us into the second disconnect between Thomas and the Winners he seeks advice from. Winners are weird. Going on hundreds of dates with hundreds of women is a highly unusual practice, and most guys don’t even come close to this volume of romantic contact. Like Thomas, Winners are a strange sub-group within the human population. But on the opposite side. The types of women which Winners are interested in are not the types of women which Thomas is interested in. A Winner’s idea of a successful relationship is different from Thomas’s idea of a successful relationship. And of course, a Winner’s individual strengths and weaknesses in the field of romance are significantly different from Thomas’s strengths and weaknesses in the field of romance. When Thomas takes advice from someone like this, he is usually met with an unscalable wall. He is told to do things which he despises, in order to achieve goals which are personally unsatisfying. When he inevitably fails, he is told it is because there is something fundamentally flawed within himself, which, in a sense, is true. He is not a Winner. In fact, he is so inherently different from a Winner that he is faced with an impossible choice between completely overhauling every aspect of his personality, or living his life as it has been, without romance.
Following a Winner is a self-defeating practice, for Thomas. As a part of their brand, Winners must boast. Which means Thomas must endure the dual humiliation of his own personal failings, and watching someone else enjoy wild success by acting as his complete opposite. The entire process is poison, but it is built on a foundational lie. The Winner is not on the road to romantic success. He is on a road to a type of romantic success. The worst lesson that Thomas can learn from a Winner is often a hidden one. Every Winner which is selling his advice and life experience has the underlying goal to make you believe that they are the sole definition of success. There is one way to be a man, there is one way to win over girls, and it is my way. If Thomas ever comes to believe that foundational lie, there is little chance of recovery. He will either lose his unique self, or he will lose the drive to seek out romance altogether. Given Thomas’s values, it is normally the latter.
The Statistician plays a less disheartening role as a teacher, but often a more insidious one. Unlike Winners, Statisticians don’t tend to play the reputation game. They base their advice on the relationships of other people, not themselves. They cite dating statistics and psychology, while utilizing historical or evolutionary methods of mating to flesh out their arguments. They present a model of human behavior, and advise Thomas based on that.
Before I begin critiquing, I should mention that the Statistician is generally a better influence on Thomas. They are less likely to lead Thomas greatly astray, and less likely to force Thomas to give up on romantic aspirations altogether. Thomas understands data better than social dynamics and hutzpah, so he tends to get more out of any given exchange, as well. Good advice is easier to come by with the Statistician, and most Statisticians are willing to accept the idea that their teachings are flawed, and could be improved upon. Which is good, because when it comes to Thomas, the teachings of Statisticians are flawed, and could be improved upon.
The core issue with the Statistician is something we’ve already touched on, with a different coat of paint. When a Statistician gives advice, it is almost always centered on the norm. Often times, this isn’t even something they do intentionally. It is simply the natural bent of statistical analysis. Take a large dataset, and the most common behaviors are what stick out. Lump a thousand humans together, and the average human being is what emerges. Even from a more meta perspective, statistics are gathered based on the questions which people most commonly think to ask. The more common something is, the more mundane and widespread, the more data we have about it. Statistics reveal norms.
As such, the Statistician is quite skilled at identifying and presenting a culture’s most common, normative structure for romance. Women prefer stronger, more confident, successful men. Men prefer younger, more attractive women. Women prefer longer, emotional relationships, while men prefer shorter, more physical ones. If Thomas wants a girlfriend, he should clean up his appearance. Earn more money, and go to the gym. Wear nice clothes and learn to fit in with society as a respectable young man. If Thomas listens to a Statistician for long enough, a strangely familiar mindset starts to creep in. There is one road to romantic success. Become more normal, make yourself broadly acceptable. Either follow this path, or give up.
The pervasive failure of the Statistician lies in their inability to bolster niche styles of romance. In adhering too strictly and frequently to the norm, they accidentally tout the norm as the only viable path forward. Every single tendency which I listed above has been flouted by huge swaths of both men and women, I guarantee it. Men have pursued older, conventionally unattractive women. Women have gone after awkward wimps that mop floors. There are plenty of men that pursue long lasting, emotionally fulfilling relationships, and plenty of women that keep things short and physical.
A Statistician will never tell you that the route to getting a girlfriend is listening to Black Sabbath on vinyl, wearing heavy makeup, and reciting dark moody poetry at your local nightclub. That isn’t how a normal, average person gets a girlfriend. This is in spite of the fact that plenty of people have gotten a girlfriend by doing exactly that. As a fairly unique individual, with his own preferred methods of expressing himself, Thomas needs to see a new path set out before him. Something unique, and perhaps difficult, but in keeping with who Thomas is, and what he values.
The trouble with Thomas is that he has thousands of people telling him the best way to be someone else, but no one telling him the best way to be himself. Being a nerd comes with its own unique set of strengths and weaknesses. Ones which can be applied to the world of romance, and improve Thomas’s odds of sweeping someone off of their feet. But as far as his advisors are concerned, Thomas only has weaknesses. Behaviors that need to be corrected, not refined. Thomas is a typo in the churning story of the world, meant to be erased and rewritten.
He is not. In fact, most of Thomas’s core traits are very desirable in a romantic partner. He is smart, and has a knack for numbers, which typically means he is good with money and makes well-founded life decisions. He is fully capable of exercising self-restraint and delaying his personal gratification, which means he is less likely to cheat or develop a debilitating addiction, and more likely to make short-term sacrifices which allow a long-term relationship to thrive. He obsessively fixes problems. He is surprisingly skilled at discovering new and interesting things. He is willing to listen, to treat people as equals. He holds his own actions and character in high esteem, and will strive to make himself better, when he falls short. Thomas is often clever, often kindhearted, often insightful, and often intensely devoted to the people he loves. And Thomas is weird. Thomas is weird in a way that makes other people weird. By his mere existence, often naively, Thomas gives other people the freedom to be themselves. Perhaps this is the reason why, fundamentally, the Winner and the Statistician cannot understand Thomas. Why they repeatedly fail to give him good advice. Both are blinded by the system that lies in front of them. The game. The rules of love. Winners and losers. Thomas’s greatest gift is his ability to, even if only briefly, step outside of the game. To bring other people there with him. Thomas likes what he likes. He is who he is. He prioritizes self over self-appeal. Thomas is genuine. And everyone is so caught up in telling Thomas the ways which he must change that they forget what a rare, beneficial trait the unburdened self is.
So then, I shall try to unburden Thomas’s self. It is high time I spoke to Thomas directly, rather than the air right beside him. He is deserving of the dignity of being looked at head-on. Thomas, there is one rule to dating. You must interact with a woman.
That is all.
You do not need to dress nice. You do not need to go to the gym. You do not need to be confident. You do not need to be smart. You do not need to be charismatic.
How do I know this? Simple. If you take the most confident, muscular, handsome, intelligent, charismatic, kind, wealthy, powerful, morally upright man in the entire world, and you remove his ability to interact with women, then he will never go on a date. He will never kiss a girl, nor will he sweep her off of her feet. He will live a lonely life, despite being an exceptionally wonderful and desirable person. Take the opposite of this man, make him ugly, make him cruel, make him stupid and clumsy, but so long as he keeps the ability to interact with a woman, there is a chance he won’t end up alone.
Thomas, you are a flawed, excellent person. You possess rare, desirable traits which women long to see in their partner. But they will never see those traits if they never see you. If you are truly struggling with dating, to such a degree that you have never held hands with someone, or kissed them on the cheek, then the source of your trouble is simple. Not easy, but simple. You need to interact with women.
Notice that I did not say that you need to ask women out on dates. You do, but that isn’t the first step. It isn’t the base of the ladder. Hopefully this will come as some sort of relief? One of the more common missteps of modern dating advice is the cavalier attitude with which both Statisticians and Winners recommend asking complete strangers out on dates. Given your personal tendencies, Thomas, you are likely to find the process of “cold calling” to be particularly miserable. Assuming I understand you, you are highly risk-averse, especially when the risks are social in nature. This is because failure, especially social failure, haunts you. It invades your mind, unbidden, to trumpet your failings as a human being, even when everything went just about as well as could be expected. You do not enjoy speaking with strangers, and you hate it when things move too fast for you to keep up. Even success terrifies you, if it is outside of your comfort zone. Compounding this, your most valuable traits are beneath the surface, and reveal themselves after people learn about your base character. You are most appealing when people know who you really are, beyond the superficial. When cold calling, you are presenting your least appealing side to women, in an environment where you are most likely to stumble, and the cost of failure will likely stick with you for months. Frankly, the advice to “just ask someone out” is fool-headed, within this context.
Ironically enough, the cold call illustrates exactly what you need to overcome in order to move forward romantically. You are least attractive to women when you are interacting for the first time, so you need to prioritize repeated interactions with the same girl. You are most likely to stumble in an unfamiliar, stressful situation, so create social spaces in your life where you are at ease. Social failure is intolerable, so strive to keep things low stakes, when possible. All of these combine to give us the standard dating model for nerds. Go out, get comfortable, meet women, learn about them, let them learn about you, and when you find someone you like, ask her out on a date. Notice how many steps precede any semblance of romantic intention.
Romance is not, and has never been, two strangers in a room. Interact with women. Tell them your name, shake their hand, ask about what they’re interested in. Then show up to the same place next week, raise your eyebrows in surprise, and continue the conversation. Steadily learn if you are interested in dating them, while they quietly do the same. Seek out and establish places in your life where you regularly run across the same group of people. Work, church, maybe a local book club. Volunteer. Sign up for a class, especially if it’s something you’ll enjoy doing regardless of romantic success. Don’t leave early. Stick around, eavesdrop, learn how to chat. Keep it low stakes. Make eye contact, say hello, introduce yourself. Interact with women. Who interests you? Why? There is an encyclopedia of knowledge you can learn about someone without ever considering the possibility of a date. Better still, all of this interaction makes asking someone out so much easier. Asking an aquaintance out on a date is far easier than asking a stranger. Asking them out in a semi-private, familiar setting is even easier. Make things easier on yourself. Sometimes people are only lonely because the alternative is far too difficult.
Use your natural talents. When conversation runs dry, you are the one that knows about the chemical properties of squid ink. You are the one who possesses specific knowledge on the cultural tradition of bareback horse riding. Make conversations interesting, both for other people and yourself. Or, just listen. Demonstrate a sustained interest in other people’s lives, and they will gladly speak with you for hours. Be patient, give them room to be genuine, and strive to learn. The same way that you fall into a rabbit hole researching overlapping drug studies on the internet, fall into a rabbit hole discovering someone else’s life.
Another trait which the advice-givers adhere too strictly to is the principle of male independence. The idea that if you have dating problems, it is up to you alone to fix them. This is fine advice to give for the average guy, but too stringent for people buckling under the strain of complete and utter romantic failure. Thomas, you likely have very important people in your life. Friends or family that you have a long-lasting, fairly deep connection with. They can help. Let them know about your dating troubles, ask for advice. Winners are loathe to admit it, but most of them were too shy to ask their first crush out on a date. They were egged on by their friends, either teased or encouraged until they worked up the nerve. You can do the same thing. Go out to a bar, make a bet. If you can’t ask a girl out by night’s end, your best friend gets to waggle twenty bucks over your head and make chicken noises. If you’ve got a sister, she’s probably (far too) interested in setting you up on a blind date. If your parents really want grandkids, there’s a way that they can help. Dads have good advice on how to respectfully approach a woman, moms have useful insights into what girls care about, and both have a good idea of their son’s romantic strengths and failings. Plus, even if they don’t admit to it openly, both of them are probably keeping tabs on any singles that are around your age that would make a good match. When you are struggling, there is help that is available to you. All you have to do is ask.
I don’t know how much advice you have taken from the Winners of the world Thomas, but I would encourage you to wean yourself of their teachings, for your own sake. Winners are laser focused on short-term flings. They put huge amounts of effort into the beginning stages of a relationship, ride it out until the wanderlust strikes, then leave and start the process all over again. Dating is a numbers game for them. An unending endeavor to find someone that will still their roaming spirit for long enough to say the words “I do”. Are you willing to do that, Thomas? Are you willing to sink huge amounts of time into new relationships, with complete strangers? Then leave them by the wayside, and move on with your life as though nothing had happened?
How much advice have you taken from the Statistician, Thomas? How much have you focused on your superficial appearance, while your most valuable traits were left unattended beneath the surface? Are you smart? Then learn. Are you kind? Then give. Are you odd? Then dress in color, not in beige. Women appreciate a well-dressed man, and a muscular one, and a charismatic one, but they appreciate these things in the normal man. The standard model. You are not a normal man. Women appreciate you for different, yet still excellent, reasons. You can be ugly and obese, and women will not care, because they know you deeply love them. You can be pale and underfed, and women will not care, because they know you are a diligent worker. You can be socially anxious and have a horrible stutter, and women will not care, because you are the only person that makes them feel seen and heard in an uncaring world. But you have to grow those traits. You have to interact, and show women exactly who you are underneath. Show them the person you have developed throughout the span of your entire life. Make that person the best version of himself that you can manage. Unlike the Winner, you are not aiming for a moment. You are aiming for a lifetime. Develop yourself accordingly. If your choice is between traits which make you a better person and traits which appear to make you a better person, focus on the former. So long as you continue to interact with women, your deepest traits will rise to the surface, while the superficial fades away.
Surely you understand, Thomas, that you are a different breed. Your relationships are few, and your heart is not prone to wander. You are strange, and therefore, you love strangely. There are innumerable women in this world which you will find to be exceptional, and they are usually the type to be overlooked and frowned upon by the Winners. The type that are called an outlier, and disregarded by the Statistician. Sometimes they hide in the dark corners of our world, but often they are in plain sight, blending in to avoid society’s roving eye. Waiting for someone to give them permission to be excellent in a way that no one expected. Earnestly searching for a man that is the same. Find one that loves you, and commit to her. If you must, remind yourself of your true goal, even as the pain of inexperience and the weight of time press against you. Dating will not bring you fulfillment. She will.
So go out there and find her.